Jokes Archives™

How fATHERS wERE cREATED

2012-01-11T01:37:00.000-08:00

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame.

A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.

And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy.

The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats."

And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."

And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders.

The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?"

And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?"

And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill."

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?"

The angel shutteth up.

SOURCE

Experience Funny

2011-08-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else.

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards.

Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post.

Experience is knowledge acquired too late.

image credit semanticstudios.com

The World Funniest Joke

2011-06-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

The world's funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his LaughLab research.

The winning joke was:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

The second place finisher was:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

The Funniest Joke in the UK was:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

While the Funniest Computer Generated Joke was:

"What kind of murd3r3r has moral fibre?" — "A cereal quiller."(word distortions mine!)

Boring Party Funny Jokes

2011-06-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too)

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing "I thought you loved me!", and run from the room.

Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince / princess of Ugranialo!"

Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want" with you.

Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

Telemarketer Funny Jokes

2011-06-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Pizza Order Funny Jokes

2011-06-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Dorm Shower Funny Jokes

2011-06-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.

15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.

16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm," making the sound of the animal in their stall.

17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds -- including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.

19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"

22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.

23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...).

26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.

28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.

29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an "Mmmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

31. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

33. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!" Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.

35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they'll pay.

Kids Jokes X

2011-06-23T04:51:00.001-07:00

Q. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

A. To win the nobell prize

Q. Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

A. They wear snow caps.

Q. Why did the balloon burst?

A. Because it saw a lolly pop!

Q. Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?

A. Because he wasn't very hungry.

Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

A. Buccaneer

Q. When is a car not a car?

A. When it turns into a garage.

Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three?

A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!

Q. What did the carpet say to the floor?

A. "You go ahead I'll cover you"

Q. Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

A. He wanted to get to the second-hand shop!

Q. What flower grows on your face?

A. Tulips

Q. What is a computer's favorite dance?

A. Disk-o

Q. Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head?

A. He wanted to make up his mind!

Q. What kind of ship never sinks?

A. Friendship!

Q. What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?

A. Stop going in circles and get to the point!

Q. How do you make a hotdog stand?

A. Steal its chair!

Q. Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?

A. Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!

Q. Why did the computer squeak.

A. Because someone stepped on it's mouse

Q. What did one earthquake say to another?

A. It's not my fault!

Q. Where's an astronaut's favourite place on the computer?

A. The spacebar!

Q. What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?

A. A sour puss!

Q. Why do cows have bells?

A. Because their horns don't work!

Q. What has 4 wheels and flies?

A. A Garbage truck

Q. How much will a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A. A-buck-an-ear

Kids Jokes IX

2011-06-23T04:50:00.001-07:00

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q. How do you tease fruit?

A. Banananananananana!

Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?

A. Because he wanted to work over-time!

Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A. Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

A. Jell-o!

Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?

A. When you're eating a watermelon!

Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?

A. With cabbage patches!

Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?

A. Because it makes you break out!

Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti?

A. Mockaroni!

Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?

A. He has a lot of ketchup time!

Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A. He couldn't concentrate!

Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?

A. Tomato Paste!

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his parents were in a jam!

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A. Patty!

Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A. A deviled egg!

Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?

A. A turkey!

Q. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?

A. A stomach-cake!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

A. He felt crummy!

Q. When does a cart come before a horse?

A. In the dictionary!

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!

Kids Jokes VIII

2011-06-23T04:49:00.001-07:00

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Q. What do you do with a blue whale?

A. Try to cheer him up!

Q. How do you communicate with a fish?

A. Drop him a line!

Q. Where do sheep go to get haircuts?

A. To the Baa Baa shop!

Q. What does a shark eat with peanut butter?

A. Jellyfish!

Q. Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?

A. Because he had a big bill!

Q. What do cats eat for breakfast?

A. Mice Crispies!

Q. What kind of dog tells time?

A. A watch dog!

Q. Why can't a leopard hide?

A. Because he's always spotted!

Q. What do you give a dog with a fever?

A. Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?

A. A sour puss!

Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter?

A. Its easier than walking!

Q. What kind of key opens a banana?

A. A monkey!

Q. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q. Why does a hummingbird hum?

A. It doesn't know the words!

Q. Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

A. Because they dropped out of school!

Q. What goes up and down but doesn't move?

A. The temperature!

Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?

A. Today and Tomorrow!

Q. Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A. Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q. What has four eyes but can't see?

A. Mississippi!

Kids Jokes VII

2011-06-23T04:47:00.002-07:00

Q. What washes up on very small beaches?

A. Microwaves!

Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?

A. A hole!

Q. What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?

A. The road!

Q. How do you make a bandstand?

A. Take away their chairs!

Q. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

A. The scientists were brainstorming!

Q. Why did Tony go out with a prune?

A. Because he couldn't find a date!

Q. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?

A. Hi Cliff!

Q. What did Pooh say to his agent?

A. Show me the honey!

Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A. Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q. Why did the traffic light turn red?

A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A. I think I'm coming down with something!

Q. What do lawyers wear to court?

A. Lawsuits!

Q. What breaks when you say it?

A. Silence!

Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A. Because then it would be a foot!

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A garbage truck!

Q. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

A. Post Office!

Q. What did the blanket say to the bed?

A. Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Q. Why should you take a pencil to bed?

A. To draw the curtains!

Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?

A. One! After that its not empty!

Q. What kind of button won't unbutton?

A. A bellybutton!

Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes?

A. No eye dear!

Kids Jokes VI

2011-06-23T04:47:00.001-07:00

Q. What has four legs but can't walk?

A. A table!

Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?

A. To get to the Shell station!

Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?

A. You crack me up!

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

A. Milk and quackers!

Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle?

A. He wanted a light snack!

Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?

A. It turns a host into a ghost

Q. What has 4 eyes but no face?

A. Mississippi!

Q. What did the spider do on the computer?

A. Made a website!

Q. What letters are not in the alphabet?

A. The ones in the mail, of course!

Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A. Because 789!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

A. Because it felt crummy.

Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A. A little horse

Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours?

A. Nacho Cheese

Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"?

A. It was learning a new language!

Q. What streets do ghosts haunt?

A. Dead ends!

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?

A. The Space bar!

Q. What exam do young witches have to pass?

A. A spell-ing test!

Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?

A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?

A. Because you dribble on the floor!

Kids Jokes V

2011-06-23T04:45:00.000-07:00

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't cry, its only a joke!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Rita
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Heaven
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, its cold outside!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Anita
Anita who?
Anita tissue....ah-choo! Too late!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Honeycomb
Honeycomb Who?
Honeycomb your hair!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Justin
Justin who?
Just in time for dinner!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe come out to play?

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Beets
Beets who?
Beets me!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur more cookies in the jar?

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Honey Bee
Honey Bee who?
Honey, bee a dear and get me a soda.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
Cows
Cows who?
No they don't, they MOO!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Gorilla
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me a hamburger, I'm hungry!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Tom
Tom who?
Tom on, you know who I am!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Howard
Howard who?
Howard I know?

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Roach
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
A boy who can't reach the doorbell!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce out of here!

Kids Jokes IV

2011-06-23T04:41:00.000-07:00

Q. Where does wood come from?

A. A guy named woody.

Q. What has one horn and gives milk

A. A milk truck.

Q. Where do bulls get their messages

A. On a bull-etin board.

Q. What do bulls do when they go shopping?

A. They CHARGE!

Q. Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long?

A. Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot.

Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots?

A. Bunny Farts!

Q. What runs but can't walk?

A. The faucet!

Q. What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?

A. A water bed!

Q. What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?

A. Firecrackers!

Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?

A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!

Q. Why did the barber win the race?

A. Because he took a short cut.

Q. What's taken before you get it?

A. Your picture.

Q. Why did the tree go to the dentist?

A. To get a root canal.

Q. Why did the child study in the airplane?

A. He wanted a higher education!

Q. Why was the broom late?

A. It over swept!

Q. What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?

A. A ladder in her stocking!

Q. What did one virus say to another?

A. Stay away, I think I've got penicillin!

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?

A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

Q. What pet makes the loudest noise?

A. A trum-pet!

Q. What is a tornado?

A. Mother nature doing the twist!

Kids Jokes III

2011-06-23T04:38:00.000-07:00

Q. What did the penny say to the other penny?

A. We make perfect cents.

Q. Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A. To get to the second hand shop.

Q. Why did the picture go to jail?

A. Because it was framed.

Q. What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?

A. Lunch and dinner.

Q. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?

A. So he could have sweet dreams.

Q. Why did the robber take a bath?

A. Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q. What did the judge say to the dentist?

A. Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q. What do you call a bear with no socks on?

A. Bare-foot.

Q. What can you serve but never eat?

A. A volleyball.

Q. What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?

A. No thank you, I am stuffed.

Q. What kind of shoes do all spies wear?

A. Sneakers.

Q. What did one wall say to the other wall?

A. I'll meet you at the corner.

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?

A. So he could tie the score.

Q. Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?

A. They both depend on the batter.

Q. What did the alien say to the garden?

A. Take me to your weeder.

Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A. I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?

A. Sit next to their fans.

Q. What gets wetter the more it dries?

A. A towel.

Q. Why was the math book sad?

A. Because it had too many problems.

Q. What runs but doesn't get anywhere?

A. A refrigerator.

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

A. In case he got a hole in one.

Kids Jokes II

2011-06-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

Q. What is the best day to go to the beach?

A. Sunday, of course!

Q. What bow can't be tied?

A. A rainbow!

Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A. Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q. What does a teddy bear put in his house?

A. Fur-niture!

Q.What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

A.Spring time.

Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?

A. They give milk shakes!

Q. Why did the jelly wobble?

A. Because it saw the milk shake!

Q. What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?

A. Betty!

Q. Where do cows go on holiday?

A. Moo York

Q. Where did the computer go to dance?

A. To a disc-o.

Q. What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?

A. Russel

Q. What has one head, one foot and four legs?

A. A Bed

Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

A. He was a chicken.

Q. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

Q. Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

A. To get a tweetment.

Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A. A Clausterphobic

Q. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend?

A. Because his friend said its on me.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A. Never mind, it's over your head!

Q. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?

A. A lawn mooer

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A. Because he had no-body to go with.

Kids Jokes I

2011-06-23T04:33:00.000-07:00

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A. They don't have the guts.

Funny Jokes

2011-06-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.

For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."

An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Two cops were parked on the side of a busy highway waiting to nab individuals throwing litter out their car windows. One car drove by and threw out some garbage but the traffic was too thick to allow the cops an opportunity to pull out and haul the car over.

Another car drove by and it too tossed some garbage. Just as before, the traffic was too busy. Vehicles proceeded to pass by throwing garbage until finally the cops had an opening to pull over a car which had a guy and a girl in it. The police had the man back up to retrieve garbage, which turned out to be a used condom. One of the cops said, "You know there are huge fines for littering on this highway". To which the motorist replied with a satisfied look on his face, "that's not litter, it orgasmic material!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Classic Jokes IV

2011-06-23T04:29:00.001-07:00

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same
way - 'Take a clean dish."

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

Classic Jokes III

2011-06-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

Classic Jokes II

2011-06-23T04:26:00.000-07:00

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

Classic Jokes I

2011-06-23T03:48:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

Bar Jokes II

2011-06-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies " I don't know but its driving me nuts".

A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life"

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?" The man says, "That's none of your damn business." A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!"

Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "Asshole, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look." Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "Fuck! We're gonna be millionaires!"

A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I'll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."

A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking."

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

Two drunks stumble out of a pub and are walking along the road. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy. Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar. When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Bar Jokes I

2011-06-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"

How to Impress a Man

2011-03-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive nay-ked ... with beer.

How to Tame a Lion

2011-03-09T22:52:00.000-08:00

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful 'neiked' body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?” The tough old golfer replies,
“No problem, just get that lion out of there

Funn Dog Joke

2011-03-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

Why it’s nice to be a dog…

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

Children's Jokes

2011-03-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Success is a relative term

2011-03-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Eating a Clown

2011-03-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Don't Put You Eggs In One Basket

2011-02-27T07:44:00.000-08:00

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Dummies Guide to Dating Self-Advertizing Part II

2011-02-26T12:57:00.000-08:00

Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.

Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.

Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.

Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.

Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.

Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.

Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.

Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.

Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.

Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.

Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.

Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.

Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.

Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.

Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.

Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . H**orny.

Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . H**orny.

Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY h**orny.

Read Dummies Guide to Dating Self-Advertizing Part I

Dummies Guide to Dating Self-Advertizing

2011-02-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.

Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.

Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.

Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.

Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.

Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.

Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.

Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

Read part II HERE

Hunter Funny Picture

2011-02-23T22:54:00.001-08:00

just waiting for it

Hunter Funny Picture

2011-02-23T22:54:00.000-08:00

just waiting for it

Signs You are Too Drunk

2011-02-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
* At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

No Change Yet

2011-02-22T06:36:00.000-08:00

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

Never Argue With An Idiot

2011-02-21T01:25:00.000-08:00

Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A Lawyer's Hell

2011-02-18T23:06:00.000-08:00

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Democracy Joke

2011-02-16T06:29:00.000-08:00

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch

Forgive Your Ennemies Joke

2011-02-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

Beauty lies

2011-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder."

Marriage Joke

2011-02-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. More Jokes

What is Depression

2011-02-07T23:28:00.000-08:00

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm... more at www.jokesarchives.com

Wife vs Thief Joke

2011-02-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did ... more jokes

Ain't Young When...

2011-02-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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2011-01-19T03:46:00.000-08:00

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